May 2016 ~ This Crazy Life We Call Ours

At night, I sometimes wake up for the next feeding and then realize I don't even remember putting her back down. I never knew I could be so tired that I wake up FREAKING out because I'm worried I didn't put her back into her bed because the last thing I remember is me nursing her. Being a mom is hard.

We spent two weeks with Tony's parents. And I watched his mother spend day in and day out taking care of her children. I could see the love coming from her. I could see the courage and kindness seeping out from underneath her shielding wings that God obviously gave this woman. But I could also see the tiredness, the sad smiles, and the patience running thin. Yet, I never saw her falter. She smiled and picked up their clothes, (and ours) and she washed, and she folded, and she drank her coffee, and she gave her children attention and she cooked and she was like wonder woman. And I realized that, she was who I wanted to be. She was the woman I wanted to see myself as. I probably won't have as many children though. My patience is already super thin. :P You're an angel, Mama Tracy.

I went and visited my best friend. Who is about to be a mother! Meg my bestie. I can't wait either. I missed her. And I missed Ethan. And I missed having a couple who is our age and has the same interests. And laughs and makes us so happy. And I probably annoy the crap out of them. But I don't come by people that DON'T disappoint me very often. So Ill keep annoying and bugging them cause I can. :P I love you guys very much and miss you more than you know.

Then I did something that surprised myself... I also saw my dad. And my little brother. Aiden, who is in second grade already. It's funny. Forgiveness has been my downfall these past two years. All my life, Ive forgiven people too easily. I've handed out second chances like a billionaire hands out dollar bills. (Well, I doubt that, but you get the point.) The point is, I let people walk all over me. I took crap from so many family members. From "friends." I took crap from pretty much anyone who walked into my life. I let people push me around. I didn't realize it at the time. But one by one I started realizing that so many people disappointed me. One way or another. I was mad at my mom, for not protecting me better from my dad. I was mad at my dad for what he did. I was mad at my sister for getting all of my mom's attention. I was mad at my family for not realizing things that happened right under their noses. But then, I graduated. And I realized, that only I could save myself. So I did what I needed to do. I went to school, I worked grave yard shift at MCDONALDS and when my dad was an absolute idiot and wrecked his bike after drinking and taking pills, I went to school, I worked every night, and I visited the abusive father every day. Of course then I started getting sick. I started getting tired. So I didn't visit my comatose father. Naturally my family gave me crap for it. But really, who in their right mind would want to visit a man who called them absurd names and even kicked them in the face while the nurse sewed his ear back shut. But I forgave him. I forgave the man who for so long treated me like dirt. And then one day, Tony made me realize, you can forgive someone without them being in your life. And so I cut off all ties after a particularly awful encounter with my dad after his accident. But after having Hadley, I guess I felt bad. I asked myself if I had REALLY forgiven my dad or was I just saying that I did. I thought about it long. And hard. And I realized that if my dad had died. I wouldn't forgive myself if he didn't at least meet my daughter. So I let him see her. And I haven't thought about it since. I am still not sure how I feel about it. I just know I did the right thing. And that's what matters. So forgiveness is still a hard thing for me. Whether I'm giving it away too much, or not enough. I do what I can. But I am proud of myself.

My little brother

Other than all that madness and nonsense, my mind is kind of crazy. I don't think I will ever be normal again. I need to lose weight. I got on the scale yesterday and even though Tony doesn't know, I cried when I got into bed. But it sparked something inside of me too. So I got up this morning and I did my fasted cardio. And I'll go to the gym again today. I'm tired of being fat. And I'm tired of being insecure. When you got a sexy husband like mine, you get kinda crazy. I used to be so confident, and carefree, and now I'm just, not. So gym and healthy eating is what I'm gonna be about!

Hadley is growing. She gained almost two pounds while in AR. She is seriously my absolute angel. Every inch she grows, every pound she gains. Every smile, and coo, and baby talk, and roll, and cry and every time I watch her I love her more. I couldn't ask for a more perfect child.

She's learned to suck on her thumb.

Tony and I are doing great. I know every couple have their own downfalls, and every couple have their ups. Every time he smiles at me, and when he holds my hand. He really doesn't know JUST how much I love him. Sometimes I doubt he even gets it. Everyone I've ever known has let me down. In one way or another. Multiple times. He has only ever let me down one time. And that's pretty amazing, that I can count ONE time that in our 5 years of being together he has only let me down ONCE. Not a lot of people can say that about their spouse. And I can honestly say people aren't their mistakes. And in his case he is the most wonderful man I've ever known. The way he is with Hadley. It erases the one mistake. Plus I know I've made many more than one mistakes, and he's always forgiven me and stood by me. So, we may have our downs, but nothing beats our ups. Nothing comes close to how i feel when I'm with my best friend. My forever boyfriend. I love you, darlin.